Habits


biting down on chewing gum

can’t stop thinking about it

pick and twiddle at my thumb

can’t stop thinking about it

knuckles crack against the bricks

can’t stop thinking about it

count my scars, four, five, six

can’t stop thinking about it

digging out my fresh, red scabs

can’t stop thinking about it

time to take a few more dabs

can’t stop thinking about it

paranoid, ADHD

can’t stop thinking about it

scheduled to break at one, two, three

can’t stop thinking about it

smokey lungs and itchy throat

can’t stop thinking about it

my liver’s ready to explode

can’t stop thinking about it

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

Athazagoraphobia – Fear of Being Forgotten


My dear friend,

I’m sitting in a coffee shop, listening to our song being played through the small circular speakers in the ceiling. What a coincidence, right? It almost feels like you are with me at this moment. The slightly muffled melody brings me back to your bedroom. I still remember the times when we would have little dance parties in your room and sing at the top of our lungs until we ran out of breath. Yes, I do still remember those times. I know you think I forgot, but I still store all of our small memories in the back of my head.

It has been a while since we last spoke. As I am writing this to you, I am still remembering your face and the way your laugh sounded and what your hugs felt like. I remember so much about you even though it’s been months since I last saw you, or at least it feels like it.

I know we have moved on from each other, but I’ll be one hundred percent honest, there’s still a part of me that misses you and wishes you would come back. I know you won’t, though, and I understand that you can’t.

I apologize that I was only able to share in your happiness through dim-lit screens. But, I am so glad you have found someone new to share your beautifully ambitious life with. Even though we no longer speak, I wish you the very best.   

I’m sorry that I never told you.  

But I hope you can understand.  

I still have my cuts and bruises from the past that occasionally reopen. It’s alright though, I’ve stocked up heavily on band-aids. And though I may still be bleeding, I am so joyful to see that your own cuts are almost all healed. Even if my wounds never disappear, I will find happiness in your own recovery.  

With everything we’ve been through, my pain doesn’t trouble me any longer. It still hurts but I can be tolerant and move on from my own injuries. It’s you that I care about. It’s your pain that I want to take onto my own shoulders so that you no longer have to suffer. If it means you can find happiness, I will do it.  

Take my word.

I will.

Don’t worry about my own health. I fight my own battles and still come out alive. You don’t know this, but I have found a few new warriors that have been walking the same path as me. They’ve walked with me for nearly a year now and even took the time to stitch up my gashes.

So, as we both continue our journeys, I will leave you with this. As your friend, I simply wish you the very best life you can have even if that means you must let me go.

I just want you to be happy.

Sincerely,

The one who will never forget you ❤