The Pier

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If you shall sail away tomorrow, dear
May I pass by the foaming white beach side
And lay my soul to rest beneath the pier

How can I live if I live in this fear?
Not enough times, i tried, you tried, we tried
And soon you’ll sail away tomorrow, dear

Is it worth living worlds away, from here?
Or worth living without your love, your bride?
If so, I’ll lay my soul below the pier

My heart like an anchor, it pulls you near
But distance binds me underneath the tide
How can you sail away today, my dear?

May I sink to the ocean floor, so clear
The waves stroking my feet with every stride
And soon burry my soul beneath the pier

My heart is soaked and salty as a tear
All of my bones have somehow pruned inside
And now you are sailing away, my dear
I lay my soul to sleep beneath the pier

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Habits

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biting down on chewing gum

can’t stop thinking about it

pick and twiddle at my thumb

can’t stop thinking about it

knuckles crack against the bricks

can’t stop thinking about it

count my scars, four, five, six

can’t stop thinking about it

digging out my fresh, red scabs

can’t stop thinking about it

time to take a few more dabs

can’t stop thinking about it

paranoid, ADHD

can’t stop thinking about it

scheduled to break at one, two, three

can’t stop thinking about it

smokey lungs and itchy throat

can’t stop thinking about it

my liver’s ready to explode

can’t stop thinking about it

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

Bored and Floating

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I’m running away from all my problems
I’m so sick of going outside
Might need a treadmill in my apartment
I’m only hiding, not trying to die

Swimming in the rain
Waiting for another day
Drowning in the pain
When everything’s the same

I’m building a bridge to get over friends
I don’t have a straw this time
Weak bolts make me fall again
I suck up all the tears that flood my life

I’m floating on my back
Can’t see anything underneath
Maybe it’s better without a raft
Maybe I’ll feel some sort of teeth

Brush against my leg
Give me goosebumps down my spine
But the only thing that bothers me is seaweed

I feel fine.

Addicts

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biting down on chewing gum
can’t stop thinking about it

pick and twiddle at my thumb
can’t stop thinking about it

knuckles crack against the bricks
can’t stop thinking about it

count my scars, four, five, six
can’t stop thinking about it

digging out my fresh, red scabs
can’t stop thinking about it

time to take a few more dabs
can’t stop thinking about it

paranoid and ADHD
can’t stop thinking about it

scheduled to break at one, two, three
can’t stop thinking about it

smokey lungs and itchy throat
can’t stop thinking about it

my liver’s ready to explode
can’t stop thinking about it

IT’S ALWAYS ON MY MIND
I’LL NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

No Longer

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I no longer thirst for water; my only drink is the salty tears that slide onto my dry lips. I no longer hunger for food; I only eat the pills of confusion you keep feeding me – I digest them uneasily. I no longer search for love; what you’ve shown me is the pity for my own mistakes. I no longer look for a friend; I thought loyalty was something more than trying to figure me out. I no longer try; I only put in as much effort as you. I no longer look for acceptance from you; I may be repetitive but I have a right to express what I truly feel. I no longer filter my thoughts; you criticize every little detail that comes out of my mouth. I no longer care; why should I when you stopped caring from the very beginning?

Breathe.

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Do you remember the day you made me stop breathing, my love? If not, let me remind you. It was the day I put the rope around my neck. At least you were able to inhale quietly instead of gasping for air.  I’d be alright holding my breath again if it meant you could feel alive. I’d even keep my head under the water for the extra hour if you just want to enjoy the swim. My asthma is terrible, but I’d run the extra mile if it meant you could catch your own breath. I’d sleep with the pillow over my face so that you and the baby could rest peacefully. You could say I’m willing to fill the car with carbon monoxide and breathe in only the thought of you. I don’t know if I would go as far to take my helmet off in space, but I would let you take my oxygen tank.  Anything to help you breathe.

Don’t follow my lead or else you’ll suffocate.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Swim to the surface, but please, let me drown.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breath in. Breathe out.

Just breathe, my love.