Philophobia – Fear of Falling In Love


Have you ever wanted to get inside someone’s mind and see what they think about you? Or been curious about how much they really like you? Well, since Covid-19 has ruined my plans for 2020, I’ve had hours to polish up my education on psychology! Learning how the mind works is so intriguing to me so I read some books, watched some videos, and wrote LOTS of notes to absorb all the information I could! All of these facts come from scientifically proven studies and I know they work because I’ve used some of them!

Before you start, I use the word “crush” in this post a lot, but you can replace that with “love interest” or “partner” or “spouse” or whatever word is appropriate for your current situation.

Without further ado, I present to you, psychology facts about love and attraction!

General/statistical facts – things you probably want to know

  • Philophobia is the fear of falling in love
  • Falling in love has the same neurological effect as getting high off cocaine
  • Holding a loved one’s hand relieves pain and stress
  • People see you 20% more attractive than you actually are
    • Since we see ourselves in the mirror every day, we don’t naturally find ourselves attractive. But for someone who has never seen us before, our appearance is completely different in their eyes
    • This should be a confidence booster!
  • Men are more likely to say “I love you” first
  • People who experience frustration attraction tend to like a person more after getting rejected by that person
    • People want what they can’t have, so play hard to get (as objectifying as it sounds, people like to play games, so if you’re too easy to get, people lose interest because the game is over. Although if you interact with this “game” in a healthy way, it can actually be fun to be chased – it makes you feel wanted but again, to a healthy extent this can work in your favor!)
  • The longer you hide your feelings for someone, the stronger they become
    • This is slightly related to frustration attraction, but I believe this to be true because as anxious human beings, we see the position we are in with the person we like, and it’s a great position! So, by telling them our real feelings, there’s fear of ruining the connection with them if they act indifferent to your true feelings. However, we also love to daydream about things we could do with that person in the future – we make up scenarios that we hope will happen and if expressing the truth doesn’t match our perfect daydreams, then we feel crushed – that’s why it’s called a crush!
  • Using someone’s name in conversation will switch that person’s attention to the conversation. They will know that someone is talking about them (in a positive way hopefully) and feel valued if they are able to hear it. As cheesy as it sounds, people also love hearing their name being said by someone they like
  • It takes 4 minutes to decide if you have a crush and 3 months to fall in love
    • If that crush lasts longer than 4 months, you’re most likely in love
  • Opposites actually don’t attract. We would rather interact with people who are very similar to ourselves (sure, this leaves less space for some interesting conversations, but agreeing viewpoints can also bring out years of great conversation)
    • For example, people who listen to the same music are better at communication and have stronger, longer-lasting relationships!
  • Relationships can end within 3-5 months because the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship starts to end
    • Try hard to push past this and keep it interesting. This can happen in friendships too sometimes – there’s always opportunities to learn something new about someone every day or try something new together
  • 71% of breakups happen due to mood swings
  • Ask someone for a small favor (like borrowing a pencil) – even if that person doesn’t like you, they will subconsciously start to like you because they’ve done a small act of kindness for you and makes them feel like they were helpful in the smallest way
  • Men who kiss their wives every morning are thought to live 5 years longer
  • Psychologically, it’s impossible to be “just friends” with people you’ve loved in the past
  • 82% of people are more confident approaching an attractive person if they have a dog with them (cause everyone thinks dogs are pretty cool!)
  • The color red makes you appear more attractive so wear it with your crush or loved one – subconsciously, they will be more attracted to you
    • Even a lot of psychologists don’t really know why it makes people more attractive, it just does. Studies have shown that people think it’s a sexy color and for men, it makes them appear more dominant. We also classify the color red as the color of love and passion. Hearts are red so red = love in our heart
  • For some reason, people are more attractive when their hair is wet and when it’s parted from the left to the right (that would mean on their own head, their part would be on the right side) Again, psychologists don’t really know why this is true
  • The color blue is psychologically the most attractive eye color
  • If you make eye contact with someone for 3 minutes straight, your heart beats will sync up
  • Naturally, women like men with deeper voices
  • People remember beginnings and ends but not so much of the middle parts, so make strong impressions with people at the beginning of meeting them and before leaving
  • If a woman takes interest in a man’s goofy hobbies, he will like that woman so much more than usual
    • Story time: my friend and I went to this bar downtown to hangout. Naturally when an introvert as myself starts feeling the alcoholic buzz, I feel more comfortable talking to strangers. There was this man (probably in his 40’s) sitting at the bar wearing a Rockstar brand tshirt! For those of you show don’t know, Rockstar is a video game company who has made games like Red Dead Redemption I and II, Grand Theft Auto, Bully, etc. I noticed and asked the man if he played video games by Rockstar in which he responded super excitedly that he did! We ended up talking about video games for an hour! My point is that this man got really excited that I was able to invest myself in his hobby (videogaming) and have a really awesome conversation with him!
  • Men enjoy compliments too, don’t be scared to freaking compliment them!!
  • If they make jokes about being single around you, they probably like you and they’re throwing out a hint *cough cough*
  • Men usually can’t take hints so, women, ask them on a date!
    • It’s 2020, let’s ignore the gender norms, it’s not impolite for women to ask men on a date when both of them want to go on a date but they’re shy about asking!

Body language facts – understand the signs

  • If someone is anxious, sad, or uncomfortable, they’ll usually walk with their head down, back arched, and hands in pockets
  • Clasped hands – people do this when they are stressed to try to comfort themselves
    • I’ve noticed I’ve done this too when I’ve been on an uncomfortable/awkward situation (even when standing). If you notice your date doing this, maybe reassure them somehow or change the subject to something light-hearted, something they want to talk about
  • Hold eye contact – it plays a huge role in falling in love (but maybe for the first date, not too much eye contact to the point where you’re both just staring in silence)
    • This also works if someone is telling a story but holding back on some juicy details – let them tell the story and then don’t respond, just make eye contact and be silent, the other person will feel awkward and probably add onto the story due to uncomfortable feelings from the silence
  • Notice the speed of their blinking – this could tell you how they’re feeling
    • If they are blinking too fast, they feel distressed and uncomfortable. If they blink a little too slow, that means they are probably zoning out and not engaged in the conversation. But if they blink an appropriate amount, that means they are engaged and interested in what you’re saying (this requires some focus on your part and could also vary depending on the type of person you’re with)
  • Facial hints
    • If they purse or tighten their lips while you’re talking to them, they feel uncomfortable so try changing the subject (they do this because they’re trying to hide their facial expression – unfortunately, their face is naturally contorting in disagreement or negativity towards what you’re saying)
    • Look for wrinkles (or crows feet) in the corners of their eyes when they laugh – if you don’t see them, they are fake laughing
    • Also look if you can see their top teeth when they smile – if you can see their bottom teeth only, it’s a fake smile
  • Yawns are contagious
    • Try yawning and see if anyone else around you yawns. If they do, that means they’re watching you or paying attention to you from a distance. This is true on both ends – if you’re watching someone and they yawn, it can be hard to fight a yawn within yourself as well (if you yawned during this sentence, I’ve proven my point!)
  • We tend to copy the mannerisms of people we like (whether we notice it or not). If they lean forward in their chair, we slightly lean forward in ours. Or if they cross their arms, then we cross ours too
    • Mirroring someone’s body language (especially in sales) can subconsciously make them like you a little more. And if they are really engaged in the conversation, they may lean forward (or even move their face closer to yours) to be physically closer to you. One other cue is if they touch their neck, they are very interested in what you’re saying. This one is more for sit-down situations but pay attention to THE NECK!
  • When we laugh in a group, we tend to look at the person we feel closest to or like (so if you notice no one is looking at you, I’m sorry)
    • This is VERY true as I always look at my best friend when laughing in a group, even if they are in an awkward direction, I’ll move my head to look at them!
  • People usually stand 3 feet apart and have a personal bubble of a 3 feet radius. But if someone steps inside that bubble and breaks that 3 feet, they probably like you.
    • Especially if they touch you a lot, lean in, or randomly bump their hand against yours, they probably like you. If you allow them into this bubble this also means you’re very comfortable around them. If you notice them leaning into you after you tell a cheesy joke, they like you because they want to be physically touching you as much as possible, even in the most unnecessary situations such as telling a joke or walking side by side
  • Match their walking speed – when people walk at the same speed, there’s a mutual attraction level.
    • This way, no one feels left behind and you’ll both feel in sync and feel a higher attraction towards each other (in the slightest way)

Tips to use with your date!

  • We tend to find symmetry attractive, so wear glasses to make your face more symmetrical and to make yourself appear more intelligent
    • This is more of a silly suggestion for appearances, so if you don’t wear glasses, be your authentic self! Win them over with your personality instead of your looks! But don’t forget, you can always wear red!
  • When you compliment your date’s personality instead of their externalities (like appearance), they’ll feel more valuable because you complimented a part of who they are, not what they look like
  • Take your date somewhere their adrenaline will pump!!
    • This is called deceptive affection but it’s not as manipulative as the name might make it sound. Take your date to an amusement park or a haunted house. When their heart is zooming because of the thrill and they’re looking at you, their brain will think their heart is pumping fast BECAUSE of you. This works for me too as me and my best friend went to a rave together and it actually made me like them more and feel closer to them
    • Also, whenever your date sees you the next time, they will be reminded of those thrilling memories!
  • Make them talk about themselves. People love to talk about themselves so if you ask questions about their life and interest, they’ll think you’re interested in them (which you hopefully are!)
  • Tell your deep secrets to your crush (I mean, don’t overshare, but show them who you are)
    • It will make them feel more connected to you and more special as you are revealing a vulnerable piece of yourself
  • Treat your crush like a new acquaintance, not a casual friend
    • This means don’t freak out if they don’t text every day, don’t get sad if you’re stuck in the “small talk” zone for a little while, etc. Expect occasional interaction, not often interaction. Thinking this way will help you be a little less nervous

***

To find these facts for yourself, check out:

  1. The Psychology Book – Big Ideas Simply Explained
  2. What Every Body is Saying
  3. Way of the Wolf
  4. Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior

  5. Kraabbyy on Tik Tok
  6. Onlyjayus on Tik Tok

If y’all liked this post, I’ll do another post about random psychology facts that you probably want to know about!

Crushes Suck.


I’ve never been in love, so I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel
And I’m pretty sure I’m in love with the wrong person.

The wrong person catches my eye in a crowded room.
The wrong person makes the flowers in my body bloom.
The wrong person makes me laugh way more than usual.
The wrong person makes my daydreams sound delusional.
The wrong person gives me powerful feelings I’ve never had.
The wrong person makes me show off my dance moves that are… my god, so bad.
The wrong person is the inspiration of my writing.
The wrong person is the reason everything is aligning.
The wrong person teaches me how to love every single day.
The wrong person makes me think “You’re the one, there’s no other way.”

Now replace “the wrong person” with the name of your crush – and then get over it!

If the wrong person can make you feel like that, imagine what the right person can make you feel…

Butterfly Bones


i had butterflies through my entire body

ready to rip my chest apart

and fly from my rib cage

my heart fluttered its wings

my body floated to the ceiling

and there was no chance of falling

for a weight had been lifted

making me light as a feather

and a cover had been pulled

making me bright as Sirius

Maniaphobia – Fear of Insanity


Gas·light

/ˈɡaslīt/

verb

  1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

As I was browsing online one day, I found an article on something called the Gaslight Effect. After reading the article, I felt somewhat somber but had more understanding of the concept of gaslighting. I wanted to share this with you to shed some light on the issue. At some point in your life, you might encounter an emotional abuser – a relative, friend, or romantic partner who’s more interested in controlling you than in caring for you as a person. This behavior is not acceptable at all.

Were You Born Under The Gaslight?

When applied to a family, the gaslight treatment is a special form of dysfunction. It happens when you, a child, receive messages or encounter experiences within the family which are deeply contradictory. Messages which are opposing and conflicting; experiences which can’t both be true. When you can’t make sense of something, it’s natural to apply the only possible answer:

Something is wrong with me.”

Today, scores of children are growing up under a gaslight of their own. And scores of adults are living their lives baffled by what went on in their families, having grown up thinking that they, not their families, are crazy.

I have seen gaslighting cause personality disorders, depression, anxiety, and a host of other lifelong struggles. Receiving contradictory messages that don’t make sense can shake the very ground that a child walks on.

The Four Types of Child Gaslighting:

The Double-Bind Parent: This type was first identified by Gregory Bateson in 1956.  The double-bind mother has been linked by research to the development of schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. This type of parent goes back and forth unpredictably between enveloping (perhaps smothering) the child with love and coldly rejecting him.

The Message: You are nothing. You are everything. Nothing is real. You are not real.

The Gaslight Effect: As an adult, you don’t trust yourself, your validity as a human being, your feelings, or your perceptions. Nothing seems real. You stand on shaky ground. You have great difficulty trusting that anyone means what they say. It’s extremely hard to rely on yourself or anyone else.

The Unpredictable, Contradictory Parent: Here, your parent might react to the same situation drastically differently at different times or on different days, based on factors that are not visible to you. For example, a parent who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs one day and not the next; a parent who is manic at times, and depressed other times, or a parent who is extremely emotionally unstable. Whatever the reason for the parent’s opposing behaviors, you, the innocent child, know only that your parent flies into a rage one moment and is calm and seems normal the next.

The Message: You are on shaky ground. Anything can happen at any time. No one makes sense.

The Gaslight Effect: You don’t trust your own ability to read or understand people; you have difficulty managing and understanding your own emotions, and those of others. You struggle to trust anyone, including yourself.

The Appearance-Conscious Family: In these families, style always trumps substance. All must look good, or maybe even perfect, especially when it’s not. There’s little room for the mistakes, pain, or natural human shortcomings of the family members. The emphasis is on presenting the image of the ideal family. Here, you experience a family which appears perfect from the outside, but which is quite imperfect, or even severely dysfunctional, on the inside. This can stem from Achievement / Perfection focused parents (as described in Running on Empty), or from narcissistic parents.

The Message: You must be perfect. Natural human flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses must be hidden and ignored. You are not allowed to be a regular human being.

The Gaslight Effect: You feel deeply ashamed of yourself and your basic humanness. You ignore your own feelings and your own pain because you don’t believe it’s real, or that it matters. You tend to see and focus on only the positive things in your life, which fit into a particular template. You are extremely hard on yourself for making mistakes, or you put them out of your mind and simply pretend they didn’t happen. You may be missing out on the most important parts of life which make it worthwhile: the messy, real world of intimacy, relationships, and emotion.

The Emotionally Neglectful Family (CEN): In this family, your physical needs may be met just fine. But your emotional needs are ignored. No one notices what the children are feeling. The language of emotion is not used in the home. “Don’t cry,” “Suck it up,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” are frequently uttered by the CEN parent. The most basic, primary part of what makes you (your emotional self) is treated as a burden or non-existent.

The Message: Your feelings and needs are bad and a burden to others. Keep them hidden. Don’t rely on others, and don’t need anything. You don’t matter.

The Gaslight Effect: You have been trained to deny the most deeply personal, biological part of who you are, your emotions, and you have dutifully pushed them out of sight and out of mind. Now, you live your life with a deeply ingrained feeling that you are missing something that other people have. You feel empty or numb at times. You don’t trust yourself or your judgments because you lack your emotions to guide you. Your connections to others are one-way or lack emotional depth. Even if you are surrounded by people, deep down you feel alone. None of it makes any sense to you.

Were you born under the gaslight? If so, you are not alone. You are not invalid or crazy or wrong. it’s vital to realize that you have been, by definition, deeply invalidated. But “invalidated” and “invalid” are not the same. “Invalidated” is an action, and “invalid” is a state of mind. You can’t change what your parents did and didn’t do, but you can change your state of mind.

Gaslighting (in the simplest terms) messes with your mind. It makes you think that YOU are the one doing something wrong when really, it’s the other way around. Although this article went into detail about family gaslighting, it happens in friendships, partnerships, and other relationships.

Many people, including myself, have suffered and still are suffering from gaslighting. This type of manipulation technique is often slow and subtle. At first, the abuse can occur in such small instances that it seems silly to argue over it. But over time, these small instances build up and they cause a person to question their own behavior and thoughts on the situation. A few results of this manipulation is a loss of faith and a doubt in one’s self to interpret situations correctly. There are some ways to identify a victim of gaslighting. They constantly doubt themselves and apologize often. They also hesitate and avoid saying certain things out of fear of others’ responses. I’m sure most people have experienced manipulation at some point in their lives and have even manipulated others. However, if you experience manipulation to the point where it can be classified as gaslighting, I encourage you to take a step back and find a way to destroy that manipulative interaction. Even if you don’t believe it, there are many people who have experienced similar situations and can relate to these scenarios. There are some really great listeners out there who will listen to your every word and offer you their own advice. Whether that be your friend, neighbor, or relative, find someone who you fully trust and be willing to open up to them about your issue.

Going through any sort of trial alone is never fun (and I don’t recommend fighting them alone). Sometimes, you can become your own worst enemy by manipulating yourself into thinking that the only problem is yourself. I understand that some people think their problems are no one else’s business, but being exposed to a different perspective can be a healthy option. Once you’ve been fighting a battle for so long, it can be challenging to change your thought process to a more positive one. After all, you’ve been trapped in a black hole of abuse for so long, feeling hopeless and completely alone. Take a chance, show a little vulnerability, and reach your hand out for someone to grab. You might be surprised by how strong someone can be to be able to pull you out of that black hole. Although society’s standards say you must never show weakness, I encourage you to let someone else be strong for you every once in awhile. Sometimes you can’t do it all on your own and that’s okay to admit.

On the other hand, if you believe that you can push through everything on your own, then kudos to you! With that strength, I hope you can be that person who walks into the darkness and pulls people into the light. Take as many people out of the abusive environment as you can. Be strong for others when they can barely stand anymore. The result of that can be better than any physical reward you could receive. Trust me. In my opinion, changing someone’s life for the better seems like a really wonderful reward to carry with you. Once they escape gaslighting, they will help others escape it as well, creating a ripple effect. Whether you’re a gaslight victim or not, just take a risk and call out to people. Call out to people for help or call out to people who need help. Nothing’s going to change if you don’t take action. You never know who you could be saving from the Gaslight Effect.


Article: Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

Summary:

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