Tiger's Daydream

Theologicophobia – Fear of Theology

I remember the day I met you;

It was in a daydream six years ago

In a small meadow that I laid in to rest.

The meadow was surrounded by trees on every side.

At first, I didn’t see you,

All I saw where the vibrant flowers;

They swayed in the gentle wind.

Everything was at peace in the serene evening.

I sat up and gazed over the tall grass.

That’s when I saw you.

More radiant than an Angel, you were standing

On the other side of the meadow.

Though you seemed to be a mile away,

I saw your face as clear as day.

As I stood up, you noticed me

And revealed a smile that melted the world.

We stood there, staring at each other.

I had an overwhelming feeling of affection in my heart,

It hit me so suddenly with incredible force,

Similarly to waves crashing on the rocks by the shore.

You began to approach me

And closed the space between us

With each step you took,

You started to age backward.

You stood nearly seven feet away,

You were so close that I felt myself tremble.

I looked into your magnificent eyes

While everything else disappeared.

“Do not feel lost, my child,

For you are mine and you are home.

Follow me and I will be your stronghold.

Come. Rise and walk by my side.”

You held out your hand for me to take.

Suddenly, a burst of light illuminated your body.

It shined as bright as the sun,

It was so radiant I couldn’t see anything.

A moment passed and the light dimmed.

You were far away now,

On the other side of the meadow again.

I wanted to run after you but stayed still.

You gazed at me one last time,

And as you did, you motioned to me

To follow you further into the meadow

Where we would walk into the sunset together.

After you took a few steps toward the trees,

You disappeared into the atmosphere.

Though I saw you walk away,

I was not sorrowful.

I yelled into the meadow,

Loud enough for the Angels to hear.

I knew you would listen

Because you have never abandoned me before.

“Father, I yearn for Heaven,

But I know Hell yearns for me.

I shall follow you in my blindness,

Because I live by faith, not by sight.

You are my Savior!

There is no one I love more than you.

I’m ready to do your will

And come home in the end!”

My voice echoed across the meadow.

There was silence.

All I knew was that you heard my call

And you gave me the strength to carry on by faith.

I pray we may meet again soon…

Imperfect Facade

Do you want to know what’s eating me alive?
It’s all these thoughts I bottle up inside.
My mind continues to recite this unspoken soliloquy.
It plays in my head, non-stop, repeatedly.
These are some of the lines:

“I may be everything you wanted but I could never be everything you needed. Defeated is all I’ll ever be in my abandoned memory. To you, I applaud your hypocrisy, for it was much more deceptive than I remember. But what right have I got to state that claim when I suffer from memory loss and numbing pain. You put on this facade so often, I can’t even remember who you used to be. To me, you were imperfectly pure. But I can’t find that in you anymore.”

You stabbed me so hard,
I nearly fell through the floor.
But you held your hand out to catch me,
you confused me once more.
How much longer
do we have to live like this?
That’s all I want to know.

Thanatophobia – Fear of Death

The game of our human lives is not a simple game. Here’s how it’s played:

There are three players.

A King.

A Prince.

A Human.

The human is faced with a certain situation. The King and the Prince have their own deck of cards that all have a suggestion on them. Both the King and the Prince put down one of their cards, showing them to the human. The human has to decide which card to choose in which they will apply to their situation. There are multiple paths the human can take, although, there are only two ending spaces where two different kingdoms lay. Both kingdoms are closed off by a giant gate. The game is played on a board with one main colored playing piece (chosen by the human). Only the King and Prince can touch that piece. Near the end of the game, the piece will land on one of the two ending spaces, in which the game will be finished. In addition, the King and Prince can put their own playing pieces down during any point in the game. The King’s piece is white while the Prince’s piece is black. The white and black pieces can lead the colored piece to a different path. The game is as simple as that… at least it sounds simple.

You see, the King and the Prince have been playing this game ever since the very beginning of humanity. In fact, they are playing at this very second. The human has been playing since birth but will stop playing once they turn to ash. There can only be one winner of the game. Sometimes, the King wins. Other times, the Prince wins. It all depends on the cards the human chooses.

There is something the human must know about the King and the Prince:

The King is the Ruler of the world and the creator of everything and everyone, including the Prince. He deeply adores every human He plays with. He remembers every one of the humans He has played with and knows all the humans He has yet to play. He rewards the human at the end of the game if they choose wisely and finish the game at His kingdom. Many believe ending at the King’s kingdom is more glorious and abundant. Many call it home. The King longs for every single one of His players to enter His gate. His kingdom is more divine and magnificent than the human mind could even comprehend. The King himself is perfect above anything else.

The Prince, however, is very different. Many call him the Prince of Darkness because he loathes the King and leads the humans on a path of destruction. The Prince is surreptitious and corrupt compared to the King. Many of his cards contain wealth, pleasures, and options of self-satisfaction. While it may seem like all his cards are full of euphoria, their core is full of selfishness. When the human chooses the Prince’s cards, they are choosing the easy way out and move one space closer to his kingdom. The Prince’s kingdom is macabre and agonizing. Many humans have entered his kingdom and never escaped.

The human’s final destination all depends on the cards they choose. The King’s cards usually contain the better choice but some of His cards are difficult to act upon. Some include giving up something valuable, giving away money, or even breaking apart an unhealthy relationship. On the other hand, the Prince’s cards can be the painless choice. These can include lying, cheating, sneaking, and opportunities to “have it your way” to stay out of altercations and serious consequences. It becomes a game of morality and what the human believes is right. Every single game is different due to the situations, cards, and decisions.

As previously stated, the King and Prince have their own playing piece that leads the colored piece on a different path. Usually, the King’s white piece is a blessing in the form of a person, event, or opportunity that lead the colored piece one space closer to the King’s kingdom. The Prince’s black piece comes in similar forms as the King’s except the black piece is considered a condemnation. Part of the challenge of the game is that the human must recognize if the piece is a blessing or condemnation, and if they feel they should follow it.

Every human is different in their playing strategy. Some play very diligently with a game plan to reach the King’s kingdom. Others get played by the Prince because they listen to all the false luxury he offers and they take part in his toxic temptations. Most games take decades to finish while some are only played for less than 20 years; sometimes the human decides when the game ends instead.

Now, let me tell you something you probably didn’t know: you are playing the game right now. You’ve been playing for a while and already encountered some white and black pieces. You’ve already chosen many cards from both decks. A word of advice: choose your cards wisely and you’ll be on the path to meet the King! Don’t be deceived by the Prince. His cards may sound more enjoyable, but in the end, choosing the King’s cards will earn you a reward beyond anything you could ever imagine.

Which card will you choose next?

Athazagoraphobia – Fear of Being Forgotten

My dear friend,

I’m sitting in a coffee shop, listening to our song being played through the small circular speakers in the ceiling. What a coincidence, right? It almost feels like you are with me at this moment. The slightly muffled melody brings me back to your bedroom. I still remember the times when we would have little dance parties in your room and sing at the top of our lungs until we ran out of breath. Yes, I do still remember those times. I know you think I forgot, but I still store all of our small memories in the back of my head.

It has been a while since we last spoke. As I am writing this to you, I am still remembering your face and the way your laugh sounded and what your hugs felt like. I remember so much about you even though it’s been months since I last saw you, or at least it feels like it.

I know we have moved on from each other, but I’ll be one hundred percent honest, there’s still a part of me that misses you and wishes you would come back. I know you won’t, though, and I understand that you can’t.

I apologize that I was only able to share in your happiness through dim-lit screens. But, I am so glad you have found someone new to share your beautifully ambitious life with. Even though we no longer speak, I wish you the very best.

I’m sorry that I never told you.

But I hope you can understand.

I still have my cuts and bruises from the past that occasionally reopen. It’s alright though, I’ve stocked up heavily on band-aids. And though I may still be bleeding, I am so joyful to see that your own cuts are almost all healed. Even if my wounds never disappear, I will find happiness in your own recovery.

With everything we’ve been through, my pain doesn’t trouble me any longer. It still hurts but I can be tolerant and move on from my own injuries. It’s you that I care about. It’s your pain that I want to take onto my own shoulders so that you no longer have to suffer. If it means you can find happiness, I will do it.

Take my word.

I will.

Don’t worry about my own health. I fight my own battles and still come out alive. You don’t know this, but I have found a few new warriors that have been walking the same path as me. They’ve walked with me for nearly a year now and even took the time to stitch up my gashes.

So, as we both continue our journeys, I will leave you with this. As your friend, I simply wish you the very best life you can have even if that means you must let me go.

I just want you to be happy.

Sincerely,

The one who will never forget you ❤

No Longer

I no longer thirst for water; my only drink is the salty tears that slide onto my dry lips. I no longer hunger for food; I only eat the pills of confusion you keep feeding me – I digest them uneasily. I no longer search for love; what you’ve shown me is the pity for my own mistakes. I no longer look for a friend; I thought loyalty was something more than trying to figure me out. I no longer try; I only put in as much effort as you. I no longer look for acceptance from you; I may be repetitive but I have a right to express what I truly feel. I no longer filter my thoughts; you criticize every little detail that comes out of my mouth. I no longer care; why should I when you stopped caring from the very beginning?

Chronophobia – Fear of the Future

Do you ever catch the sky at the perfect moment where each color is painted in its full vibrancy? It feels as if the world has stopped and some incredible artist has painted the sky specifically for you. The moment feels too good to be true. It all looks so perfect and you’re stuck staring to the heavens. People say your eyes are the best camera you could have, so there’s no use trying to photograph the marvelous sky. Everything seems so beautiful… but then something hollow settles in your chest. If you’re a morning person, this is definitely the most bittersweet part of the evening. You don’t want the moment to end but time must go on. There’s a small feeling of worry that you won’t ever get to see this gorgeous scene ever again. Of course, this is irrational since the sun sets every evening, but… there’s still worry that you won’t have time in the future to take it all in like you did tonight.

Sometimes, life can be so unpredictable and we fear the future so much that we can’t comprehend what is happening in the present moment. Hearing cuts off. Eyes glaze over. Chest tightens and feels heavy yet empty at the same time. Mind bounces ideas off of assumptions and into conclusions which later turn into expectations that anxiously bury deep in the brain. Cheeks burn and head feels light. Concentration is so far gone. As if my mind doesn’t already race to the worst possible scenario, it won’t be quiet. It sounds like an unspoken soliloquy that is stuck on repeat. I wonder if people can hear my thoughts yet, because, in my head, they sound like they’re at full volume and ready to burst out of my skull. I’m not physically speaking, yet I feel like I need to catch my breath because I’m speaking too much inside. There’s a slight feeling of nausea and hunger. These are just some of the side effects of chronophobia and, really, any type of anxiety and worry.

I never realized it, but I worry about the future very often. I fear that I won’t graduate college or get married, or that I won’t find a job that will benefit me. I worry that my friends will all move on and I’ll be stuck living in the past. I worry that I won’t even find new, loyal friends later in life. I constantly worry about my parents’ health. I worry so much; many of my friends have told me. It’s a part of being human. But, frankly, I’m sick of being human. I wish I didn’t have to worry so much that I drown all my happy thoughts. I wish I could simply have a nice thought without thinking about what could go wrong or what will happen.

Although the future can be frightening to think about, it is very unpredictable. We can’t predict the future and personally, I don’t think we should try to predict it. It leads others to believe what you believe. It results in people saying the world will end tomorrow, even though it was supposed to end in 2012… and the year after that, and… the year after that. It leads to chaos and self-mental abuse. Worrying about every little thing mentally and physically tires me out, personally, and I know I should stop worrying, but I can’t. It’s a psychological struggle and I’m sure others experience this as well.

Now, if I look at my previous worries of the future and see where I am now, I can actually laugh about them. Even though I transferred schools and thought I would lose all my friends, I didn’t. In fact, I created a well-built foundation with some incredible people I never thought I would befriend. Through a change that I thought would be complete hell, it didn’t end up that way. It resulted in discovering more about myself, being able to share my creativity publicly, and helped me come to some heavily important realizations about life and my faith. I had a constant fear of the future, and I still do in some ways, but I have faith that everything will somehow fall in place, and I can find peace in that. This is life. We are all going to have terrible rough patches. But we are also going to have some of the best times of our entire life.

The future will continue to be a mystery until we live it and look past what we’ve survived.

We come out of the battle with bruises and scars, but we rise as warriors.

Breathe.

Do you remember the day you made me stop breathing, my love? If not, let me remind you. It was the day I put the rope around my neck. At least you were able to inhale quietly instead of gasping for air. I’d be alright holding my breath again if it meant you could feel alive. I’d even keep my head under the water for the extra hour if you just want to enjoy the swim. My asthma is terrible, but I’d run the extra mile if it meant you could catch your own breath. I’d sleep with the pillow over my face so that you and the baby could rest peacefully. You could say I’m willing to fill the car with carbon monoxide and breathe in only the thought of you. I don’t know if I would go as far to take my helmet off in space, but I would let you take my oxygen tank. Anything to help you breathe.

Don’t follow my lead or else you’ll suffocate.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Swim to the surface, but please, let me drown.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breath in. Breathe out.

Just breathe, my love.

Phobia – Fear

I know you’re scared of something. Just admit it. Say the words “I am afraid.” It’s okay. I’ll say them with you.

I. Am. Afraid.

I am afraid of many things like physical restriction, losing a close friend or family member to death, losing my faith and even my own life. I’m afraid of what the future holds whether that’s tomorrow or 20 years from now. I am simply afraid.

Fear seems to be the driving factor in life. It constantly controls decisions, actions, words, and even thoughts. Ideas, expressions, and opinions get locked up due to the fear of a judgmental society. It gnaws at the brain and restricts individuality.

The Life of Pi describes this emotion more in-depth:

“I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so, with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear. Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you’ve defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So, you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”

Fear has gripped onto all of us in a very intense way at some point. There’s no denying it’s snatched me and put me into a state of paranoia. It was always living in the back of my head with everything I did. Fear of consequences, judgments, failures, rejections, disappointments, heartbreaks. This emotion has affected my attitude and behavior, my thoughts and words, my relationships with friends and family, my focus and goals. It changed my mentality in a second and rapidly forced my body to freeze up for a moment only to start shivering and shaking the next. It can be extremely complicated to deal with and control. At times, even in my own experience, it can turn a person hysterically selfish:

“What’s going to happen to me?”

“Why is this happening to me?”

“How am I going to get past this?”

I’ll admit something, I was scared to lose you. In time, enough change had come about that I did lose you. But I still think about you every now and then, hoping you’re living the best life you can. I appreciate all the time we had together and keep those memories with me.

I was scared that we would stop talking to each other. After that happened, I prayed for you every day. To this day, I hope to share a few more memories with you. The last time we talked was 6 months ago. I still remember the times we would go to the meadow and play in the mud, not caring how dirty we got, but enjoying each other.

I was scared that I would disappoint you again. Once it happened for the third time, I put in a great amount of effort to be the person you needed me to be. In time, I reached improvement.

Think about this: what is the scariest thing you’ve seen or been through?

Look where you are now! You’re still alive and well. Yes, you may still be healing but recovery takes times. It will be alright. Fear can linger around all our lives and drag us down. But listen: you can conquer your past, present, and future fears. It’s interesting how this emotion can tear us down so quickly but it also keeps us sane and protected. We all need to be afraid of something or else everyone would be living dangerous lives. No one would be scared to take risks or make terrible decisions. Honestly, we need fear, but we shouldn’t dwell on it so deeply that we lose complete concentration and a total grip on reality. Everyone is different, though, in the way that they cope. Some take longer than others to feel okay again and that is alright. Don’t let people rush you to recover from previous worries. Soon enough we all gain our courage again. Wonderful things result from fear such as coming out a stronger person, new change, and healthier life.

Just know that it is okay to be afraid.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once stated, “Only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Once you push past fear itself and find yourself at the peak of the mountain, you’re on top of the world!