Athazagoraphobia – Fear of Being Forgotten


My dear friend,

I’m sitting in a coffee shop, listening to our song being played through the small circular speakers in the ceiling. What a coincidence, right? It almost feels like you are with me at this moment. The slightly muffled melody brings me back to your bedroom. I still remember the times when we would have little dance parties in your room and sing at the top of our lungs until we ran out of breath. Yes, I do still remember those times. I know you think I forgot, but I still store all of our small memories in the back of my head.

It has been a while since we last spoke. As I am writing this to you, I am still remembering your face and the way your laugh sounded and what your hugs felt like. I remember so much about you even though it’s been months since I last saw you, or at least it feels like it.

I know we have moved on from each other, but I’ll be one hundred percent honest, there’s still a part of me that misses you and wishes you would come back. I know you won’t, though, and I understand that you can’t.

I apologize that I was only able to share in your happiness through dim-lit screens. But, I am so glad you have found someone new to share your beautifully ambitious life with. Even though we no longer speak, I wish you the very best.   

I’m sorry that I never told you.  

But I hope you can understand.  

I still have my cuts and bruises from the past that occasionally reopen. It’s alright though, I’ve stocked up heavily on band-aids. And though I may still be bleeding, I am so joyful to see that your own cuts are almost all healed. Even if my wounds never disappear, I will find happiness in your own recovery.  

With everything we’ve been through, my pain doesn’t trouble me any longer. It still hurts but I can be tolerant and move on from my own injuries. It’s you that I care about. It’s your pain that I want to take onto my own shoulders so that you no longer have to suffer. If it means you can find happiness, I will do it.  

Take my word.

I will.

Don’t worry about my own health. I fight my own battles and still come out alive. You don’t know this, but I have found a few new warriors that have been walking the same path as me. They’ve walked with me for nearly a year now and even took the time to stitch up my gashes.

So, as we both continue our journeys, I will leave you with this. As your friend, I simply wish you the very best life you can have even if that means you must let me go.

I just want you to be happy.

Sincerely,

The one who will never forget you ❤

No Longer


I no longer thirst for water; my only drink is the salty tears that slide onto my dry lips. I no longer hunger for food; I only eat the pills of confusion you keep feeding me – I digest them uneasily. I no longer search for love; what you’ve shown me is the pity for my own mistakes. I no longer look for a friend; I thought loyalty was something more than trying to figure me out. I no longer try; I only put in as much effort as you. I no longer look for acceptance from you; I may be repetitive but I have a right to express what I truly feel. I no longer filter my thoughts; you criticize every little detail that comes out of my mouth. I no longer care; why should I when you stopped caring from the very beginning?

Chronophobia – Fear of the Future


Do you ever catch the sky at the perfect moment where each color is painted in its full vibrancy? It feels as if the world has stopped and some incredible artist has painted the sky specifically for you. The moment feels too good to be true. It all looks so perfect and you’re stuck staring to the heavens. People say your eyes are the best camera you could have, so there’s no use trying to photograph the marvelous sky. Everything seems so beautiful… but then something hollow settles in your chest. If you’re a morning person, this is definitely the most bittersweet part of the evening. You don’t want the moment to end but time must go on. There’s a small feeling of worry that you won’t ever get to see this gorgeous scene ever again. Of course, this is irrational since the sun sets every evening, but… there’s still worry that you won’t have time in the future to take it all in like you did tonight.

Sometimes, life can be so unpredictable and we fear the future so much that we can’t comprehend what is happening in the present moment. Hearing cuts off. Eyes glaze over. Chest tightens and feels heavy yet empty at the same time. Mind bounces ideas off of assumptions and into conclusions which later turn into expectations that anxiously bury deep in the brain. Cheeks burn and head feels light. Concentration is so far gone. As if my mind doesn’t already race to the worst possible scenario, it won’t be quiet. It sounds like an unspoken soliloquy that is stuck on repeat. I wonder if people can hear my thoughts yet, because, in my head, they sound like they’re at full volume and ready to burst out of my skull. I’m not physically speaking, yet I feel like I need to catch my breath because I’m speaking too much inside. There’s a slight feeling of nausea and hunger. These are just some of the side effects of chronophobia and, really, any type of anxiety and worry.

I never realized it, but I worry about the future very often. I fear that I won’t graduate college or get married, or that I won’t find a job that will benefit me. I worry that my friends will all move on and I’ll be stuck living in the past. I worry that I won’t even find new, loyal friends later in life. I constantly worry about my parents’ health. I worry so much; many of my friends have told me. It’s a part of being human. But, frankly, I’m sick of being human. I wish I didn’t have to worry so much that I drown all my happy thoughts. I wish I could simply have a nice thought without thinking about what could go wrong or what will happen.

Although the future can be frightening to think about, it is very unpredictable. We can’t predict the future and personally, I don’t think we should try to predict it. It leads others to believe what you believe. It results in people saying the world will end tomorrow, even though it was supposed to end in 2012… and the year after that, and… the year after that. It leads to chaos and self-mental abuse. Worrying about every little thing mentally and physically tires me out, personally, and I know I should stop worrying, but I can’t. It’s a psychological struggle and I’m sure others experience this as well.

Now, if I look at my previous worries of the future and see where I am now, I can actually laugh about them. Even though I transferred schools and thought I would lose all my friends, I didn’t. In fact, I created a well-built foundation with some incredible people I never thought I would befriend. Through a change that I thought would be complete hell, it didn’t end up that way. It resulted in discovering more about myself, being able to share my creativity publicly, and helped me come to some heavily important realizations about life and my faith. I had a constant fear of the future, and I still do in some ways, but I have faith that everything will somehow fall in place, and I can find peace in that. This is life. We are all going to have terrible rough patches. But we are also going to have some of the best times of our entire life.

The future will continue to be a mystery until we live it and look past what we’ve survived.

We come out of the battle with bruises and scars, but we rise as warriors.

 

Breathe.


Do you remember the day you made me stop breathing, my love? If not, let me remind you. It was the day I put the rope around my neck. At least you were able to inhale quietly instead of gasping for air.  I’d be alright holding my breath again if it meant you could feel alive. I’d even keep my head under the water for the extra hour if you just want to enjoy the swim. My asthma is terrible, but I’d run the extra mile if it meant you could catch your own breath. I’d sleep with the pillow over my face so that you and the baby could rest peacefully. You could say I’m willing to fill the car with carbon monoxide and breathe in only the thought of you. I don’t know if I would go as far to take my helmet off in space, but I would let you take my oxygen tank.  Anything to help you breathe.

Don’t follow my lead or else you’ll suffocate.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Swim to the surface, but please, let me drown.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breath in. Breathe out.

Just breathe, my love.